But It's Not Even Officially Summer Yet...

"Canada is just like Australia, right?" No Mother Nature, it isn't and I'm very upset that you've decided the pull a 'woman move' and get the weather lost in the wrong continent!

Bravo, and people wonder why us ladies get mocked for getting lost. Anyway I haven't updated in a while so today, whilst melting like the polar ice caps, I decided what the hell and walla - here I am with an update. If you haven't clued in yet, it's a hot one out there today. Currently we're sitting at 32c with a Humidex (what it feels like) of 40c - what the actual fuck?! Yes, I get that I'm located in South Western Ontario, but summer hasn't even officially started yet. Give me a break.

As a born and raised Canadian who has actually lived through winters of -45c and over 3 meters of snow, I don't know how to deal with this change of weather - I'm not built for it. You know when you go camping and roast marshmallows in the fire? Yeah well, I'm the marshmallow and the fire is currently the outside.. well that's how I feel about it anyway. Don't judge me like that, you may or may not know my pain! Either way though, stop it, okay never mind keep going. Really, I just don't want my igloo melting... That's my house man.

*Hint* I'd be the swan in this scenario.

Personally, I believe that the weather should never be this hot unless everyone is equipped with their own pools.. and since the recession is being such a bitch to get out of (think of it like trying to escape the In-Laws place) I don't see that coming anytime soon. Luckily, I just got a gym membership at the local GoodLife here in town and aside from getting fit, they have a pool. Huzzah! So tomorrows plan will be to go to the gym early in the morning and not leave until finally being kicked out of the pool 12 hours later. Seems legit if you ask me. Fool proof even.

Alas, this post must come to an end since my laptop is throwing off heat like a flame thrower on my legs. I refuse to put up with that crap today.

Tune in later this week for a blog post of some randomly important topic at the time. Sarcasm will be included.

The Spider Predicament

You know, I'm a huge fan and all but I swear to god if you don't start keeping your pals outside; I'm burning the place down. Got it Spider-Man?!

They'll be back.. in greater numbers! AHHH

Yep, I'm that wussy you and your buddies make fun of for fleeing a room due to a spider. You know what, you and your buddies can hoot it up because they will get you. Mark my words, spiders are the creepy bastards you least suspect, but then bam! There they are crawling your walls; creepily suspending from the ceiling and just plain and simply showing up where they aren't wanted.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the importance of spiders and the crucial role they play in the environment and all that. However, I believe they would be perfectly capable of doing said job outside. Along with any and all other creepy dwellers. Unless they start paying rent, they can stay the hell outta my apartment, that's just the way I see things. Now some of you may be wondering where this hate for spiders stems from, well allow me to entertain you.

You see dear blog reader, at the age of 6 I had to share a bedroom with my older sister (8 year age difference) and she had a love for spiders. That didn't bother me too much, even though she knew I found them gross... but you know what did? The fact that I found out the hard way that she kept spiders throughout the room we had to share. Guess who woke up in the dead of night getting crawled on by spiders? Yep, this poor unsuspecting (at the time) little girl! Not only did I wake up with spiders all over me; sending me off into a total freak out. No, she also thought to make up all these outrageous (but totally believable at the age of 6!) facts on spiders and Ta-Da! My Arachnophobia was born.

How spiders must view me

Needless to say I demanded my other sister's bedroom and forced the two closer in age to share. Pft, guess who also babied up to the eldest sister before the room switch happened? This girl. Guess who got a rude awakening from our eldest sister? Well, it sure as hell wasn't me. Karma; sometimes you got to take it into your own hands.

Now, if you'll excuse me.. I'm looking for a spider I attacked with a broom about 15minuts ago (Gotta make sure it's dead before I can sleep) while trying not to have a panic attack.

I could not survive Australia...


The next episode of chaos and sarcasm will air at that time the schedule says.. you know the one.

It feels like burning

As a member of the snow white pale community, I gotta tell you; sunburns freaking hurt.


Yeah, yeah, I know - I should have worn sunscreen but you know what, when it's freaking cloudy out one does not suspect to get a sunburn tinted like a fire-truck!. Yes, that's my argument and I'm sticking to it! Call me a baby or an idiot, I really don't care so long as you share some aloe with me. I hate this feeling of being parboiled, dammit!

Not only does the upper part of my body look like some cheap ass version of Neopolitian ice cream (Minus the chocolate.) my subconscious has decided to come up with the oddest things to dream about once I'm finally able to sleep.. even by my standards some of the crap it's concocted has been strange. I mean, who the hell dreams about bed shopping while already cozied up in their shitty ass futon bed? (if you have a futon and think it's great, you're lying to yourself.) Apparently, I do. So I waltzed into the random furniture shop in my dream and guess what the beds were inspired by; no not some sexy fantasy or something from a classic fairytale.. no the beds in my dream were inspired by my favourite childhood cartoons and current favourite T.V shows.

Villain from Redwall; haven't watched you since I was 6..HOW?!

"How would you care to try out our 4 star poster dragonball bed, or perhaps the Simpson's inspired bed? You know, if you go up the Teletoon isle and turn left down the ABC Canada isle right before TVOkids furniture begins you might find something you like." Seriously brain, I know you aren't on any drugs and were completely sober that night.. what gives?! Not only was I bed shopping (I went with the Simpson's inspired bed due to comfort factor by the way) but then you go and put me on a playground where some weird version of grounders meets king of the mountain, is being played against some Redwall mouse/rat hoard; where paint-ball guns were used since obviously some serious shit was going down.

Honestly, if I could record my dreams I would be a freaking millionaire.. no joke. That was just one dream among many and it was pretty mild compared to most, freaking ridiculous, but mild. Anyway, I'm going to go eat my feelings over the recent protest results (how I got said sunburn) and maybe find something to ease this feeling of burning.

Till next time; Don't become a lobster, it sucks.