The Raccoon Apocalypse

I'm fairly certain that I just recovered from a delayed hangover.. wait, is that even possible?

I'm going to go with a "yes" to answer that question, why? Because it's the only explanation I could come up with on short notice, deal with it. Since this weekend was such a blast, it honestly wouldn't even surprise me anyway. The only downer was the flat out neglect a few (ALL) of my friends demonstrated in their lack of cape wear. Hello! It was an excuse to wear a cape!

Anyways; great adventures were had during the camping trip. I mean, how many times do you get to witness a bunch of partially intoxicated "adults" running around with super soaker's defending a campsite from the raccoon apocalypse? Exactly, not often and I gotta be honest with you... the view was freaking hilarious. Never fear for no raccoons were actually harmed during the campsite defence; just left slightly damp. Now, some of you are probably wondering "Why the hell were you guys chasing raccoons with Super Soaker's?" Well, sit back and allow me to explain.

You see, it started the first night when a couple raccoons thought it'd be "cool" to stick their heads into the tent my friend and I were sharing. Needless to say we flailed like a bunch of cowards; hey, it seemed to get them way from our tent at least for the rest of the night. In the morning what do we see just lying on our picnic table, yep one of the Raccoons completely stated and passed out. Have you tried chasing away a tired Raccoon? It's hard work! Anyway, the following night a couple coon's thought they'd decided to try and get in on the party action. Which was fine to begin with, we had dropped some random food on the far side of the site and saw no harm in letting them vacuum it up for us. That was, until they decided to come back with a bunch of their buddies.

Pretty much like this, but with our entire site!

If you've ever been to a party, you probably know that the host more often then not can get irritated when you show up with a bunch of people unexpected; the same idea applies here. Now they were just being greedy little bastard, especially when they tried to get in on the S'mores action. Not cool wildlife, not cool at all. That little overstep prompted some of my buddies to grab the Super Soaker's yours truly had brought (and previously used to wake some of them up with!) in a form of Raccoon Control. You'd have thought from witnessing is that the Raccoons were some sort of international terrorist the way they worked to keep them away.

I seriously wish I had night vision on my camera to have caught all the action. You probably wouldn't even believe me if I told you half of the things that happened this weekend. If that weekend was put up for a reality TV show segment, the viewers would be endless.

Anyway, there's the always fashionably late update. More sarcasm will be coming your way later on in the week.

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This ought to be interesting

Should be in bed getting some beauty sleep, instead I'm up devising multiple schemes for this weekends camping trip - might not be a priority but hey, screw it!


I mean, there are just so many ideas and possibilities to mess with my friends; how am I to narrow down the choices to the most epic? Everything I come up with is epic. Example? My one friend had mentioned earlier in the week how she hated the fact that she was now deemed an "Adult". Apparently the fact that she married just last year dawned on her, anyway, she had mentioned how she missed wearing a cape as a kid since it states and I quote "I'M HERE TO FUCK SHIT UP WHILE ALSO SAVING THE DAY!" So,  guess what rule we implemented for (and by that I mean, I told them) while camping - Yup - Capes must be worn throughout the weekend!

Yeah, it'll be something like that.

If you're camping anywhere in the general area of Canada this weekend, and see a group of 20-something year old's in capes, that would be us! You mad bro? Because you should be, if you aren't well.. you have no soul. Not only will we be the cool people wearing capes throughout the weekend; we'll be the awesome people with alcohol as well! The way that we see it is, why shouldn't we combine the downright badassery (Not an actual word, but oh well!) of our childhoods with the few cool things we've discovered in our short years of Adulthood? 


There is absolutely no reason not to! I mean.. aside from the looks we will undoubtedly get. Ranging from "Wtf?" to "Seriously, WTF?!". But really who cares? We don't, and it's all part and parcel of their envy. Just because we're older with more responsibly doesn't mean we can't cut loose and enjoy ourselves. Especially since the group of friends, who are fortunate to have yours truly for company, and myself rarely get together.. and these are people I've known for over 8 years. They're simply freaking amazing, and no matter how long we go in-between conversations and seeing one another.. we're all able to pick up right where we left off. That's friendship.


Now, encase any of you are actually wondering about what I mean when I say camping, allow me to clarify;

• Tents - Will be slept in, not an RV or other cop-out device!
• Air Mattresses - Are forbidden on the premises! If you fail to wake up with a sore back from sleeping on either a rock, stick or uneven ground; you aren't camping right and will be evicted.
• Food - Should be properly stored in coolers or nearby cars; not be left in tents over night. For when the desire of warm food arises, it shall be cooked on the open fire pit; no exceptions.
• Alcohol - When not being consumed should be cuddled; show it that you're thankful for it's powers.
• Wildlife - Shall be respected and not terrorized or fed near the camp area. I swear to god if someone feeds raccoons by my tent one more bloody time....!!!!
• Washrooms - You either walk to an outhouse or if you really need to go (or are male) will do so away from our camp grounds. Take that shit somewhere else.

Got it? Seriously, I refuse to be woken up by someone thinking there's a bear outside our tent again; especially when it's just raccoons getting into a bag of sugar left out by some dumb asses. It was 3am and no one got back to sleep in that tent, dammit! 


Alas, I'm getting sleepy and have errands (definitely not scheme related) to run later this morning; Nap time for me. 


The next episode of sarcasm  (and undoubtedly the tale of my glory) will air on May 28th!