Oh, Life!

You're one sneaky and strange little bastard, aren't you?

Guess who got the wonderful (and shocking) news that she was going to be an Aunt again just last week? Yep, this bundle of sarcasm and profanity. Along with that roller coaster of emotions, I've been dealing with a Pimp who get's 95% of my income. Now, before you start thinking "OMG IS SHE A HOOKER?!" No, I'm not. The "pimp" in which I speak of is a euphemism if you will, for the college fees I have been pulling out of my ass lately. To go along with that I've recently sustained tendon damage along with a couple bruised bones in my right hand/wrist. Good times man, good times.

Oh well...who knows, I might get the whole "Super Aunt" thing right this time! One can hope, right? Anyway, so my preggo sister got an ultra sound done just yesterday.. turns out she's further along than anyone thought. Forget being 2-3 months (which is what we maxed her out at) nope, instead she's closer to the 5-6 month mark! Her due date? December 24th, and this might sound mean but I refuse to move if her water breaks during Christmas Dinner.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll meet you at the hospital after I drink the turkey gravy! I mean, I might not be conscious - turkey coma and all - but I'll get there!" My brain, how you function. 

As for the "pimp" fees; let me start out saying that I had no plans on continuing my education this fall. Mostly my plan was to try and get a decent paying job to save up for more traveling. My though process was "School will always be there to go back to, I'll never be in the same condition - physically - for traveling ever again." probably not the best mindset but whatever. So, because of those "plans" all the fees leading up to my September semester start date have made it feel like I'm a cheap ass prostitute paying her over glorified pimp (Which I'm not!). Surely I can't be alone on this, right?

Now onwards to the explanation of just how I managed to screw up my hand: I have no bloody clue! If I had to take a stab in the dark at it, I'd guess it was injured at the gym a couple weeks ago. Aside from that I've got nothing. The one thing I can let you know for sure? It hurts like a son of a bitch! Honestly, the only reason I've been able to type this blog is due to tensor bandage I have wrapped around it like a mummy; and even then it's not without some pain.

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, ASSHOLE.

If you don't know what a tendon damage is; it pretty much means that the fibers connecting my bones and muscles has been injured. You know how you're able to put weight on your hands to push yourself up? Yeah, with the current state of my right hand - I can't do that. I would much rather is be fractured or something; it'd heal faster. And before I went to get it checked out this weekend, I had the utterly brilliant idea to go to a Body Flow class at my local gym. Body Flow is a mix of Tai Chi, Pilates and Yoga. Please, hold your applause! Regardless of what I thought the state of injury was - I pretty much shot my hand trying to get through the class. Curse you Downward-Facing-Dog!

I'll be honest with you, my appreciation for being in a Country with Universal Health care sky rocketed after this weekend. Especially one that lets you back pay for visits when your health card is expired.Thank you Canada, I may hate your politics and your wait times suck, but at least I wont have to pay that minimum of $270 Urgent Care bill! Yep, Oh Canada bitches - and that's just the registered nurses fees. None of my other medical expenses that day were added. So again, thank you. My broke ass can't afford another pimp.

Well, I'm starting to cramp up. The updates I promised earlier will still happen, regardless of injury. Sadly, they might just take a bit longer to get to. So shut up and deal with it or go eat your feelings somewhere else :)

Until next time!

But It's Not Even Officially Summer Yet...

"Canada is just like Australia, right?" No Mother Nature, it isn't and I'm very upset that you've decided the pull a 'woman move' and get the weather lost in the wrong continent!

Bravo, and people wonder why us ladies get mocked for getting lost. Anyway I haven't updated in a while so today, whilst melting like the polar ice caps, I decided what the hell and walla - here I am with an update. If you haven't clued in yet, it's a hot one out there today. Currently we're sitting at 32c with a Humidex (what it feels like) of 40c - what the actual fuck?! Yes, I get that I'm located in South Western Ontario, but summer hasn't even officially started yet. Give me a break.

As a born and raised Canadian who has actually lived through winters of -45c and over 3 meters of snow, I don't know how to deal with this change of weather - I'm not built for it. You know when you go camping and roast marshmallows in the fire? Yeah well, I'm the marshmallow and the fire is currently the outside.. well that's how I feel about it anyway. Don't judge me like that, you may or may not know my pain! Either way though, stop it, okay never mind keep going. Really, I just don't want my igloo melting... That's my house man.

*Hint* I'd be the swan in this scenario.

Personally, I believe that the weather should never be this hot unless everyone is equipped with their own pools.. and since the recession is being such a bitch to get out of (think of it like trying to escape the In-Laws place) I don't see that coming anytime soon. Luckily, I just got a gym membership at the local GoodLife here in town and aside from getting fit, they have a pool. Huzzah! So tomorrows plan will be to go to the gym early in the morning and not leave until finally being kicked out of the pool 12 hours later. Seems legit if you ask me. Fool proof even.

Alas, this post must come to an end since my laptop is throwing off heat like a flame thrower on my legs. I refuse to put up with that crap today.

Tune in later this week for a blog post of some randomly important topic at the time. Sarcasm will be included.

The Spider Predicament

You know, I'm a huge fan and all but I swear to god if you don't start keeping your pals outside; I'm burning the place down. Got it Spider-Man?!

They'll be back.. in greater numbers! AHHH

Yep, I'm that wussy you and your buddies make fun of for fleeing a room due to a spider. You know what, you and your buddies can hoot it up because they will get you. Mark my words, spiders are the creepy bastards you least suspect, but then bam! There they are crawling your walls; creepily suspending from the ceiling and just plain and simply showing up where they aren't wanted.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the importance of spiders and the crucial role they play in the environment and all that. However, I believe they would be perfectly capable of doing said job outside. Along with any and all other creepy dwellers. Unless they start paying rent, they can stay the hell outta my apartment, that's just the way I see things. Now some of you may be wondering where this hate for spiders stems from, well allow me to entertain you.

You see dear blog reader, at the age of 6 I had to share a bedroom with my older sister (8 year age difference) and she had a love for spiders. That didn't bother me too much, even though she knew I found them gross... but you know what did? The fact that I found out the hard way that she kept spiders throughout the room we had to share. Guess who woke up in the dead of night getting crawled on by spiders? Yep, this poor unsuspecting (at the time) little girl! Not only did I wake up with spiders all over me; sending me off into a total freak out. No, she also thought to make up all these outrageous (but totally believable at the age of 6!) facts on spiders and Ta-Da! My Arachnophobia was born.

How spiders must view me

Needless to say I demanded my other sister's bedroom and forced the two closer in age to share. Pft, guess who also babied up to the eldest sister before the room switch happened? This girl. Guess who got a rude awakening from our eldest sister? Well, it sure as hell wasn't me. Karma; sometimes you got to take it into your own hands.

Now, if you'll excuse me.. I'm looking for a spider I attacked with a broom about 15minuts ago (Gotta make sure it's dead before I can sleep) while trying not to have a panic attack.

I could not survive Australia...


The next episode of chaos and sarcasm will air at that time the schedule says.. you know the one.

The Raccoon Apocalypse

I'm fairly certain that I just recovered from a delayed hangover.. wait, is that even possible?

I'm going to go with a "yes" to answer that question, why? Because it's the only explanation I could come up with on short notice, deal with it. Since this weekend was such a blast, it honestly wouldn't even surprise me anyway. The only downer was the flat out neglect a few (ALL) of my friends demonstrated in their lack of cape wear. Hello! It was an excuse to wear a cape!

Anyways; great adventures were had during the camping trip. I mean, how many times do you get to witness a bunch of partially intoxicated "adults" running around with super soaker's defending a campsite from the raccoon apocalypse? Exactly, not often and I gotta be honest with you... the view was freaking hilarious. Never fear for no raccoons were actually harmed during the campsite defence; just left slightly damp. Now, some of you are probably wondering "Why the hell were you guys chasing raccoons with Super Soaker's?" Well, sit back and allow me to explain.

You see, it started the first night when a couple raccoons thought it'd be "cool" to stick their heads into the tent my friend and I were sharing. Needless to say we flailed like a bunch of cowards; hey, it seemed to get them way from our tent at least for the rest of the night. In the morning what do we see just lying on our picnic table, yep one of the Raccoons completely stated and passed out. Have you tried chasing away a tired Raccoon? It's hard work! Anyway, the following night a couple coon's thought they'd decided to try and get in on the party action. Which was fine to begin with, we had dropped some random food on the far side of the site and saw no harm in letting them vacuum it up for us. That was, until they decided to come back with a bunch of their buddies.

Pretty much like this, but with our entire site!

If you've ever been to a party, you probably know that the host more often then not can get irritated when you show up with a bunch of people unexpected; the same idea applies here. Now they were just being greedy little bastard, especially when they tried to get in on the S'mores action. Not cool wildlife, not cool at all. That little overstep prompted some of my buddies to grab the Super Soaker's yours truly had brought (and previously used to wake some of them up with!) in a form of Raccoon Control. You'd have thought from witnessing is that the Raccoons were some sort of international terrorist the way they worked to keep them away.

I seriously wish I had night vision on my camera to have caught all the action. You probably wouldn't even believe me if I told you half of the things that happened this weekend. If that weekend was put up for a reality TV show segment, the viewers would be endless.

Anyway, there's the always fashionably late update. More sarcasm will be coming your way later on in the week.

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This ought to be interesting

Should be in bed getting some beauty sleep, instead I'm up devising multiple schemes for this weekends camping trip - might not be a priority but hey, screw it!


I mean, there are just so many ideas and possibilities to mess with my friends; how am I to narrow down the choices to the most epic? Everything I come up with is epic. Example? My one friend had mentioned earlier in the week how she hated the fact that she was now deemed an "Adult". Apparently the fact that she married just last year dawned on her, anyway, she had mentioned how she missed wearing a cape as a kid since it states and I quote "I'M HERE TO FUCK SHIT UP WHILE ALSO SAVING THE DAY!" So,  guess what rule we implemented for (and by that I mean, I told them) while camping - Yup - Capes must be worn throughout the weekend!

Yeah, it'll be something like that.

If you're camping anywhere in the general area of Canada this weekend, and see a group of 20-something year old's in capes, that would be us! You mad bro? Because you should be, if you aren't well.. you have no soul. Not only will we be the cool people wearing capes throughout the weekend; we'll be the awesome people with alcohol as well! The way that we see it is, why shouldn't we combine the downright badassery (Not an actual word, but oh well!) of our childhoods with the few cool things we've discovered in our short years of Adulthood? 


There is absolutely no reason not to! I mean.. aside from the looks we will undoubtedly get. Ranging from "Wtf?" to "Seriously, WTF?!". But really who cares? We don't, and it's all part and parcel of their envy. Just because we're older with more responsibly doesn't mean we can't cut loose and enjoy ourselves. Especially since the group of friends, who are fortunate to have yours truly for company, and myself rarely get together.. and these are people I've known for over 8 years. They're simply freaking amazing, and no matter how long we go in-between conversations and seeing one another.. we're all able to pick up right where we left off. That's friendship.


Now, encase any of you are actually wondering about what I mean when I say camping, allow me to clarify;

• Tents - Will be slept in, not an RV or other cop-out device!
• Air Mattresses - Are forbidden on the premises! If you fail to wake up with a sore back from sleeping on either a rock, stick or uneven ground; you aren't camping right and will be evicted.
• Food - Should be properly stored in coolers or nearby cars; not be left in tents over night. For when the desire of warm food arises, it shall be cooked on the open fire pit; no exceptions.
• Alcohol - When not being consumed should be cuddled; show it that you're thankful for it's powers.
• Wildlife - Shall be respected and not terrorized or fed near the camp area. I swear to god if someone feeds raccoons by my tent one more bloody time....!!!!
• Washrooms - You either walk to an outhouse or if you really need to go (or are male) will do so away from our camp grounds. Take that shit somewhere else.

Got it? Seriously, I refuse to be woken up by someone thinking there's a bear outside our tent again; especially when it's just raccoons getting into a bag of sugar left out by some dumb asses. It was 3am and no one got back to sleep in that tent, dammit! 


Alas, I'm getting sleepy and have errands (definitely not scheme related) to run later this morning; Nap time for me. 


The next episode of sarcasm  (and undoubtedly the tale of my glory) will air on May 28th! 

The Women's Restroom

Ever wonder why the Woman's restroom always seems to have an "impending line of doom!" when compared to the Men's? That's because it is an impending line of doom sweetie; someone of your sex has probably stepped on one or more females freshly pedicured toes too many times, the poor bastard.

Yeah, it's something like that.

If you haven't noticed, ladies seem to venture to public restroom together like dudes do the beer store, or something... Now before you go thinking it's some strange habit - it's not; it's calculated and odds are, it's for an offensive move of some sort. Yep, that's the big secret of why ladies venture to the woman's restroom two by two; Plotting. Ironic isn't it? I mean.. you should have clued in sooner. Think about it guys, what is one thing you complain that we women do too much? If you guessed "Over thinking everything!", in this rare occurrence you are correct! Congrats, for not fucking that one up. Give yourself a manly pat on the back, bro!

From re-applying make-up; gushing over the hotties who have our ovaries in overdrive; complementing another ladies accessory; lending out a tampon; to downright bitching - The Woman's restroom should really just have lounge chairs put in to every single one of them. 

I can't believe I just ranted about the restroom... Oh well, that got some boredom out! Tune in on the 24th for the next update. That is, unless I get bored again. 

Introduction

Hello people whom I have NEVER met!


I'm a fellow stranger who's been lost in this 'world' we've created called the INTERNET. Scary, I know. Now, don't worry I'm not going to offer you candy to read this blog, which, I have no doubt I will forget about within the week. The only thing I offer is the rambles of my every day adventures (you know when I go outside and do that socializing thing?) from the perspective of a young lady.. and possibly some cookies for your browser. *BAZINGA!*


Now, according to "Blog  Etiquette" I'm suppose to give a bit more detail retaining to myself, aside from my gender. Well, I figure that you'll find those amazing little quirks out in time (if I don't forget that this blog exists). Be afraid, very afraid. 


So stay tuned if you're up for laughs similar to FML and MLIA - Pokemon and other nerdy references, Food recipes, and whatever the hell I feel like at the time; definitely tune in to the next episode! Airing; whenever I feel like it!