A Tirade of Sarcastic Proportion

You know, I'd apologise for not updating the blog but then I remembered that I've done nothing of importance in it's place and napped instead.

Because "Fuck da police!" that's why. Seriously, if one more 30 year-old gangsta-wannabe-who-thinks-he's-16 years old says that one more time, I'm gonna loose it. You're an adult, not a child, and odds are you only hate the police because your stupid ass got caught by them at some point or another. This is where you applaud them for a job well done blog readers. If I could muster up the will, I'd give you two thumbs up myself, Sir Gangsta... but alas, I can only manage one of my appendages rising on each hand for such an occasion; sadly, the thumb isn't it. Now that that's out of my system, lets carry on with what seems to be a tirade.

I have this terrible habit where, once every couples weeks or so, I go on a hunt for things on the internet which will infuriate me. You may wonder why I do this, heck, I do myself... and what I've come up with is that I do it because I refuse to be one of those (fully) ignorant people who think they know something, and don't. Ignorance may be bliss to some, but to me, it's a curse; a bit of "knowledge" can go a long way. Mostly what I look up involves politics and the environment, since I'm a hippie (an angry and sarcastic one) at heart  - deal with it. Anyway, these past few weeks have been "one of those days" - yes I said days because, well, why the hell not? - where everytime anything political or environmental pops up , I just want to scream; because you know, I love it when people decide to utterly screw with things which shouldn't be screwed with and decide to ignore the obvious.

Example; The Pipeline proposed out on the west coast of Canada. Yes, I know I've ranted on this before and you know what? I'll bloody continue to since it's still a pressing issue. Especially with Parliament having no sitting days to address the problem for a couple more weeks. You know, it actually boggles my mind how we can land a piece of human technology on Mars (Wuddup up USA!), but we can't seem to find the will to tackle and understand our own planet, and it's possible risks. Risks that shouldn't be taken regardless of financial gain. I'm just saying.

Maybe I'm just "old fashioned" like that and would rather stick to my morals than earn a couple bucks. Yes, the cost to sustain our environment is high, but that's only because we allow certain things to happen... which effect it negatively. Think for a second of the Gulf Coast Oil Spill. That was one of the worst environmental disasters in recent history and of the United States. Mutations occurred to the marine life, and therefor, effected a chain of other animals and it's Eco system. While I understand the need for oil in today's society, it shouldn't come at the cost of things that were here long before us. Animals have used the BC coast line for generations and it's filled with beautiful trees of amazing size, not to mention is freaking gorgeous and an important part of the worlds Eco system. Which of course, just validates the perfect sense the government had to have possessed to cut costs to assisting in the sustainability of said Eco system.. and the many others throughout Canada.

You can't just hit the undo button and get those things back once you've destroyed them... and destruction is exactly what the pipeline can do. We as humans, tend to forget that we're also just another animal. One which is suppose to be more "evolved" than any other... yet all we do is cause the majority of the problems which threaten us? Someone, please explain that to me.

Another little "irritation" I've been having since it's construction season here in Canada, is just what is being used to replace concrete on our roads. Rubberized Asphalt; which seems to be used more and more these days. Now, I don't drive, I'm a city bus dweller and I get the desire for a nice smooth ride. But again, this is one of those there where I can't help but think "Are you fucking kidding me?". For one, the substance is black, black attracts and holds heat better, not to mention its rubber. Therefore we're heating up the earth more, and  more; not allowing it the "Breathe" as it needs to since we've sacrificed that for the smoothness of the road. On top of that, it's harmful to our air. It's great that they're trying to recycle.. I just feel like their doing it wrong. But really, who gives a fuck? We'll be dead before anything bad happens, right?

Odds are, but you know what? In a sick way, I hope to live to see the world go to hell just out of spite for all the apathetic assholes out there who think like that. It shouldn't matter that our life span isn't forever. What should matter is the fact that you live here; the earth doesn't charge rent, that's your landlord. So stop being pricks and return a favour every-so-often. It's not that hard. Turn off a light when you leave the room, don't leave your computer running all the time, take shorter showers, and get used to the fact that winter is a natural thing that happens... especially in Canada. If you don't like it, move somewhere else (I'm looking at you "I'm so happy we didn't have a winter last year" people) or simply what I prefer you do... which is shut the hell up.

I love my country, it's beautiful, resourceful, humble and usually.. the people are pretty decent to deal with. I don't want to see that beauty and grace which is rightfully associated with Canada diminish. There's no valid reason for it.

Get a little Radical and have your say here about the Proposed West-coast Pipeline

Want to learn more about why the Pipeline is a bad idea, head over here for more information and learn how you can get involved.

Tirade complete. Huh... I think I might have to start getting angry and or upset about things more often. I actually blog when it happens. Huzzah! One of the mysteries of the universe is now unsolved! Now, if you'll excuse me, I got to finish prepping for my first day of College tomorrow! Oh, and by prepping, I mean drinking away my feels on the cost of everything thus far.

Until next time, I swear I'm not an alcoholic.

But It's Not Even Officially Summer Yet...

"Canada is just like Australia, right?" No Mother Nature, it isn't and I'm very upset that you've decided the pull a 'woman move' and get the weather lost in the wrong continent!

Bravo, and people wonder why us ladies get mocked for getting lost. Anyway I haven't updated in a while so today, whilst melting like the polar ice caps, I decided what the hell and walla - here I am with an update. If you haven't clued in yet, it's a hot one out there today. Currently we're sitting at 32c with a Humidex (what it feels like) of 40c - what the actual fuck?! Yes, I get that I'm located in South Western Ontario, but summer hasn't even officially started yet. Give me a break.

As a born and raised Canadian who has actually lived through winters of -45c and over 3 meters of snow, I don't know how to deal with this change of weather - I'm not built for it. You know when you go camping and roast marshmallows in the fire? Yeah well, I'm the marshmallow and the fire is currently the outside.. well that's how I feel about it anyway. Don't judge me like that, you may or may not know my pain! Either way though, stop it, okay never mind keep going. Really, I just don't want my igloo melting... That's my house man.

*Hint* I'd be the swan in this scenario.

Personally, I believe that the weather should never be this hot unless everyone is equipped with their own pools.. and since the recession is being such a bitch to get out of (think of it like trying to escape the In-Laws place) I don't see that coming anytime soon. Luckily, I just got a gym membership at the local GoodLife here in town and aside from getting fit, they have a pool. Huzzah! So tomorrows plan will be to go to the gym early in the morning and not leave until finally being kicked out of the pool 12 hours later. Seems legit if you ask me. Fool proof even.

Alas, this post must come to an end since my laptop is throwing off heat like a flame thrower on my legs. I refuse to put up with that crap today.

Tune in later this week for a blog post of some randomly important topic at the time. Sarcasm will be included.

The Spider Predicament

You know, I'm a huge fan and all but I swear to god if you don't start keeping your pals outside; I'm burning the place down. Got it Spider-Man?!

They'll be back.. in greater numbers! AHHH

Yep, I'm that wussy you and your buddies make fun of for fleeing a room due to a spider. You know what, you and your buddies can hoot it up because they will get you. Mark my words, spiders are the creepy bastards you least suspect, but then bam! There they are crawling your walls; creepily suspending from the ceiling and just plain and simply showing up where they aren't wanted.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the importance of spiders and the crucial role they play in the environment and all that. However, I believe they would be perfectly capable of doing said job outside. Along with any and all other creepy dwellers. Unless they start paying rent, they can stay the hell outta my apartment, that's just the way I see things. Now some of you may be wondering where this hate for spiders stems from, well allow me to entertain you.

You see dear blog reader, at the age of 6 I had to share a bedroom with my older sister (8 year age difference) and she had a love for spiders. That didn't bother me too much, even though she knew I found them gross... but you know what did? The fact that I found out the hard way that she kept spiders throughout the room we had to share. Guess who woke up in the dead of night getting crawled on by spiders? Yep, this poor unsuspecting (at the time) little girl! Not only did I wake up with spiders all over me; sending me off into a total freak out. No, she also thought to make up all these outrageous (but totally believable at the age of 6!) facts on spiders and Ta-Da! My Arachnophobia was born.

How spiders must view me

Needless to say I demanded my other sister's bedroom and forced the two closer in age to share. Pft, guess who also babied up to the eldest sister before the room switch happened? This girl. Guess who got a rude awakening from our eldest sister? Well, it sure as hell wasn't me. Karma; sometimes you got to take it into your own hands.

Now, if you'll excuse me.. I'm looking for a spider I attacked with a broom about 15minuts ago (Gotta make sure it's dead before I can sleep) while trying not to have a panic attack.

I could not survive Australia...


The next episode of chaos and sarcasm will air at that time the schedule says.. you know the one.

It feels like burning

As a member of the snow white pale community, I gotta tell you; sunburns freaking hurt.


Yeah, yeah, I know - I should have worn sunscreen but you know what, when it's freaking cloudy out one does not suspect to get a sunburn tinted like a fire-truck!. Yes, that's my argument and I'm sticking to it! Call me a baby or an idiot, I really don't care so long as you share some aloe with me. I hate this feeling of being parboiled, dammit!

Not only does the upper part of my body look like some cheap ass version of Neopolitian ice cream (Minus the chocolate.) my subconscious has decided to come up with the oddest things to dream about once I'm finally able to sleep.. even by my standards some of the crap it's concocted has been strange. I mean, who the hell dreams about bed shopping while already cozied up in their shitty ass futon bed? (if you have a futon and think it's great, you're lying to yourself.) Apparently, I do. So I waltzed into the random furniture shop in my dream and guess what the beds were inspired by; no not some sexy fantasy or something from a classic fairytale.. no the beds in my dream were inspired by my favourite childhood cartoons and current favourite T.V shows.

Villain from Redwall; haven't watched you since I was 6..HOW?!

"How would you care to try out our 4 star poster dragonball bed, or perhaps the Simpson's inspired bed? You know, if you go up the Teletoon isle and turn left down the ABC Canada isle right before TVOkids furniture begins you might find something you like." Seriously brain, I know you aren't on any drugs and were completely sober that night.. what gives?! Not only was I bed shopping (I went with the Simpson's inspired bed due to comfort factor by the way) but then you go and put me on a playground where some weird version of grounders meets king of the mountain, is being played against some Redwall mouse/rat hoard; where paint-ball guns were used since obviously some serious shit was going down.

Honestly, if I could record my dreams I would be a freaking millionaire.. no joke. That was just one dream among many and it was pretty mild compared to most, freaking ridiculous, but mild. Anyway, I'm going to go eat my feelings over the recent protest results (how I got said sunburn) and maybe find something to ease this feeling of burning.

Till next time; Don't become a lobster, it sucks.

This ought to be interesting

Should be in bed getting some beauty sleep, instead I'm up devising multiple schemes for this weekends camping trip - might not be a priority but hey, screw it!


I mean, there are just so many ideas and possibilities to mess with my friends; how am I to narrow down the choices to the most epic? Everything I come up with is epic. Example? My one friend had mentioned earlier in the week how she hated the fact that she was now deemed an "Adult". Apparently the fact that she married just last year dawned on her, anyway, she had mentioned how she missed wearing a cape as a kid since it states and I quote "I'M HERE TO FUCK SHIT UP WHILE ALSO SAVING THE DAY!" So,  guess what rule we implemented for (and by that I mean, I told them) while camping - Yup - Capes must be worn throughout the weekend!

Yeah, it'll be something like that.

If you're camping anywhere in the general area of Canada this weekend, and see a group of 20-something year old's in capes, that would be us! You mad bro? Because you should be, if you aren't well.. you have no soul. Not only will we be the cool people wearing capes throughout the weekend; we'll be the awesome people with alcohol as well! The way that we see it is, why shouldn't we combine the downright badassery (Not an actual word, but oh well!) of our childhoods with the few cool things we've discovered in our short years of Adulthood? 


There is absolutely no reason not to! I mean.. aside from the looks we will undoubtedly get. Ranging from "Wtf?" to "Seriously, WTF?!". But really who cares? We don't, and it's all part and parcel of their envy. Just because we're older with more responsibly doesn't mean we can't cut loose and enjoy ourselves. Especially since the group of friends, who are fortunate to have yours truly for company, and myself rarely get together.. and these are people I've known for over 8 years. They're simply freaking amazing, and no matter how long we go in-between conversations and seeing one another.. we're all able to pick up right where we left off. That's friendship.


Now, encase any of you are actually wondering about what I mean when I say camping, allow me to clarify;

• Tents - Will be slept in, not an RV or other cop-out device!
• Air Mattresses - Are forbidden on the premises! If you fail to wake up with a sore back from sleeping on either a rock, stick or uneven ground; you aren't camping right and will be evicted.
• Food - Should be properly stored in coolers or nearby cars; not be left in tents over night. For when the desire of warm food arises, it shall be cooked on the open fire pit; no exceptions.
• Alcohol - When not being consumed should be cuddled; show it that you're thankful for it's powers.
• Wildlife - Shall be respected and not terrorized or fed near the camp area. I swear to god if someone feeds raccoons by my tent one more bloody time....!!!!
• Washrooms - You either walk to an outhouse or if you really need to go (or are male) will do so away from our camp grounds. Take that shit somewhere else.

Got it? Seriously, I refuse to be woken up by someone thinking there's a bear outside our tent again; especially when it's just raccoons getting into a bag of sugar left out by some dumb asses. It was 3am and no one got back to sleep in that tent, dammit! 


Alas, I'm getting sleepy and have errands (definitely not scheme related) to run later this morning; Nap time for me. 


The next episode of sarcasm  (and undoubtedly the tale of my glory) will air on May 28th! 

The Women's Restroom

Ever wonder why the Woman's restroom always seems to have an "impending line of doom!" when compared to the Men's? That's because it is an impending line of doom sweetie; someone of your sex has probably stepped on one or more females freshly pedicured toes too many times, the poor bastard.

Yeah, it's something like that.

If you haven't noticed, ladies seem to venture to public restroom together like dudes do the beer store, or something... Now before you go thinking it's some strange habit - it's not; it's calculated and odds are, it's for an offensive move of some sort. Yep, that's the big secret of why ladies venture to the woman's restroom two by two; Plotting. Ironic isn't it? I mean.. you should have clued in sooner. Think about it guys, what is one thing you complain that we women do too much? If you guessed "Over thinking everything!", in this rare occurrence you are correct! Congrats, for not fucking that one up. Give yourself a manly pat on the back, bro!

From re-applying make-up; gushing over the hotties who have our ovaries in overdrive; complementing another ladies accessory; lending out a tampon; to downright bitching - The Woman's restroom should really just have lounge chairs put in to every single one of them. 

I can't believe I just ranted about the restroom... Oh well, that got some boredom out! Tune in on the 24th for the next update. That is, unless I get bored again. 

Happy May24 Canada!

So this one time, I had a super cool idea for a blog post... but then I thought "Eh, Screw it!" and decided to give you this lump of randomness instead. Deal with it.


Now I wouldn't say I'm hungover however, I'm definitely in that state where you have the inkling of a headache but are unsure whether or not it was caused by; A) Last night's alcohol intake or B) Sleeping like a hibernating grizzly bear in the mountains all day. I mean, how am I suppose to decipher these mixed signals brain.. really come on now, cut me some bloody slack!

because taking out those encyclopedias were just
too much of a damn hassle.

Encase you are unaware this weekend is the long celebration weekend of May24 in Canada. To tell you the truth, in all my years I've never really paid attention to what the May24 weekend was for.. I just considered it a drinking holiday - like everyone else. So, to fix this little blunder which was undoubtedly caused by the school system I decided to google it; you like anyone else would have probably done long before now. Guess who now feels like a complete idiot for not knowing sooner? Yeah, this girl! Apparently, the May24 weekend is a celebration held on the last Monday before May 25th in honour of Queen Victoria's birthday. Let me be the first non-intoxicated person of my generation to wish her grace a happy 193rd birthday! The party's been great thus far, thanks!

Like the proper (and now slightly more educated) Canadian I am, I've been celebrating this weekend. No, not by camping like most.. that'll be next weekend when the alcohol ban has been lifted. Instead, I started off with Sex Toy Bingo, downtown on Friday night with a couple of my best girls. If you have little shame in participating in things like; Dick Toss, Moan Off's and Sex Position Charades for tie breakers - it's definitely a place where you would flourish. Not only is it entertaining, but all proceeds go to various charities. That's right, you too can win dildos for a good cause; all while sipping on a Porn Star and watching a male pole dancing show.. I love my life. Now to keep things going, last night I joined some friends down at a local watering hole for some good conversation and dancing. Not gonna lie, I had a blast. Especially while walking (never stumbling) through the park at 2am and finding a couple Frisbee's. Finding those probably made my weekend to be honest... hey, shuddup! No judgemental breakfast clubs allowed here!

So yeah, that's been my weekend so far... and it pretty much makes me sound like an alcoholic. I promise I'm not one tho. Alcohol just likes me. 

Tune in for your next dose of sarcasm; airing May 24th!

This one's for the Mothers!

So... Today was Mother's Day; Hands up if your Mama still loves you - Claims that you were switched at the hospital, but still loves you!

I love my mother, but you know what - that woman is crazy. I mean no disrespect when saying this either; I just mean that if that woman could raise this *points to self* and still function somewhat "normally" in society, she's going to have a few screws loose - she just hides it well. Hell, I'm sure my Mom would be the first to admit it too! Not only did my Mother raise this bundle of sarcasm, but she also raised  my 3 older (not nearly as cool) siblings. Hey, sometimes you gotta have a few prototypes to experiment with first right?

In all seriousness though, I'd be lost without my Mother and admit it - you'd be equally lost without yours as well. Think about it, your mother pretty much know's everything about you! From the time you broke free from doing hard time in the womb; You've been front and centre to 90% of her daily thoughts. The other 10% probably including things long past like;

Truth, at it's finest.

• A Social Life - Excluding children, no matter the age category. Oh for the days when puke wasn't an expected ritual of your gatherings; just an unfortunate and later hilarious happening.
• Food - How the Mother's heart longs to eat a meal still hot and not reheated.
• Date Nights - Enough said, let's not dwell on that part *shudders*
• Alcohol - For those days where she really doesn't feel like dealing with your stupid ass. Don't worry, she'll get you back.
• Escape - Don't fault them, everyone wants to run away at some point or another - why should your Mom be different? Looking back you know exactly why she would have ran too. 
• SLEEP - This is probably a major one, especially for when you were between the ages of 0-16. You were most likely a little shit head. 

Again, these are just my inexperienced theories on the Mother's Mind. It's a complex thing that I have no hopes at attempting to decipher until when and if I ever have children of my own. Hurrah for keeping my "sanity" a little longer! However, I am certain of one thing; None of our Mom's had a clue about what they were getting themselves into at first; and how much they would grow to love us - the instant they knew we were around. Some had the support of our fathers, or other family. Others, and what seem like most these days (have) had to take a stab at the dark at parenthood and go it alone; hoping for the best.

Fortunately, there are more resources out there these days to help assist soon-to-be Mothers with no one else to turn to for guidance. Unfortunately - a majority of these resources, or shelters are terribly overcrowded and under funded. Which really is a terrible shame in the society we've apparently "developed into" over the years.. something about being a First World Country or something like that. Seriously, it's a bunch of crap whichever way you spew it.

Yeah, my country is better off than most and I respect that; what I don't respect on how it seems to be taking multiple steps backward as of late. It's like a really odd game of hopscotch. Look, the fact of the matter is that a lot of Women's shelters, or programs for that matter are being shoved onto the cutting board faster than the government can chop. It's a shame.

ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Take my home city for example; At the end of the month it's highly likely that the best place for pregnant teens to turn to, Bethesda Centre, will be shut down. Government funding has been denied and in order for them to stay open the women running the facility have to come up with 3 years worth of "rent" by the end of May. Did I mention that 3 years worth of rent is roughly 1.5 Million Dollars? Pretty much an unattainable goal; especially when factoring in that the world recession still hitting hard and the home city rep'n one of the highest rates of unemployment in the province. Luckily, I do bring some good news on what seems to have turned into a depressing Mothers Day Blog...

I'm a far cry from being his number one fan, but I like giving credit where it's due and Justin Bieber gained a lot of my respect this weekend. He's stepping in, sort of in a way, to give back to an organisation that gave to his mother when he was a newborn baby. Also known as the Bethesda Centre, Yes the one and the same I mentioned above. He'll be donating a portion of the proceeds from this new song that was released this weekend on Itunes; Turn To You - Justin Bieber. That's pretty cool in my eyes, even if it is Bieber's music.

I'll admit to actually buying the track, hey - shuddup, the proceeds go to good cause and it's Mother's Day Weekend. All Mother's deserve to be celebrated, and not just on the their day of recognition. Every day. Those women go to bat for us kids long before we realise it and long after we believe they've stopped. Why not try to take a bit of the strain (and therefore the "crazy") off them for a bit? Especially when we're talking about young, inexperienced, teenage mothers. Each mother and child for that matter, deserve the best chance they have and for some Bethesda Centre in London, Ontario - is that chance. Not only to to do right by their child, but by themselves.

Click Learn More, for more information regarding the campaign to keep the doors open at Bethesda Centre.

If you're interested in donating; Click Here OR Here, whichever floats your boat, any and all donations are sincerely appreciated.

A Justin Bieber fan? Click Mother's Day Dedication for his new single - Turn To You.

Broke like the rest of us? Simply SHARE this page.

Let's help be the support for our support system. Happy belated Mother's Day!

You're irregular form of Sarcasm will return later this week! Don't forget to Subscribe and check me out on Twitter ;)