The Raccoon Apocalypse

I'm fairly certain that I just recovered from a delayed hangover.. wait, is that even possible?

I'm going to go with a "yes" to answer that question, why? Because it's the only explanation I could come up with on short notice, deal with it. Since this weekend was such a blast, it honestly wouldn't even surprise me anyway. The only downer was the flat out neglect a few (ALL) of my friends demonstrated in their lack of cape wear. Hello! It was an excuse to wear a cape!

Anyways; great adventures were had during the camping trip. I mean, how many times do you get to witness a bunch of partially intoxicated "adults" running around with super soaker's defending a campsite from the raccoon apocalypse? Exactly, not often and I gotta be honest with you... the view was freaking hilarious. Never fear for no raccoons were actually harmed during the campsite defence; just left slightly damp. Now, some of you are probably wondering "Why the hell were you guys chasing raccoons with Super Soaker's?" Well, sit back and allow me to explain.

You see, it started the first night when a couple raccoons thought it'd be "cool" to stick their heads into the tent my friend and I were sharing. Needless to say we flailed like a bunch of cowards; hey, it seemed to get them way from our tent at least for the rest of the night. In the morning what do we see just lying on our picnic table, yep one of the Raccoons completely stated and passed out. Have you tried chasing away a tired Raccoon? It's hard work! Anyway, the following night a couple coon's thought they'd decided to try and get in on the party action. Which was fine to begin with, we had dropped some random food on the far side of the site and saw no harm in letting them vacuum it up for us. That was, until they decided to come back with a bunch of their buddies.

Pretty much like this, but with our entire site!

If you've ever been to a party, you probably know that the host more often then not can get irritated when you show up with a bunch of people unexpected; the same idea applies here. Now they were just being greedy little bastard, especially when they tried to get in on the S'mores action. Not cool wildlife, not cool at all. That little overstep prompted some of my buddies to grab the Super Soaker's yours truly had brought (and previously used to wake some of them up with!) in a form of Raccoon Control. You'd have thought from witnessing is that the Raccoons were some sort of international terrorist the way they worked to keep them away.

I seriously wish I had night vision on my camera to have caught all the action. You probably wouldn't even believe me if I told you half of the things that happened this weekend. If that weekend was put up for a reality TV show segment, the viewers would be endless.

Anyway, there's the always fashionably late update. More sarcasm will be coming your way later on in the week.

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This ought to be interesting

Should be in bed getting some beauty sleep, instead I'm up devising multiple schemes for this weekends camping trip - might not be a priority but hey, screw it!


I mean, there are just so many ideas and possibilities to mess with my friends; how am I to narrow down the choices to the most epic? Everything I come up with is epic. Example? My one friend had mentioned earlier in the week how she hated the fact that she was now deemed an "Adult". Apparently the fact that she married just last year dawned on her, anyway, she had mentioned how she missed wearing a cape as a kid since it states and I quote "I'M HERE TO FUCK SHIT UP WHILE ALSO SAVING THE DAY!" So,  guess what rule we implemented for (and by that I mean, I told them) while camping - Yup - Capes must be worn throughout the weekend!

Yeah, it'll be something like that.

If you're camping anywhere in the general area of Canada this weekend, and see a group of 20-something year old's in capes, that would be us! You mad bro? Because you should be, if you aren't well.. you have no soul. Not only will we be the cool people wearing capes throughout the weekend; we'll be the awesome people with alcohol as well! The way that we see it is, why shouldn't we combine the downright badassery (Not an actual word, but oh well!) of our childhoods with the few cool things we've discovered in our short years of Adulthood? 


There is absolutely no reason not to! I mean.. aside from the looks we will undoubtedly get. Ranging from "Wtf?" to "Seriously, WTF?!". But really who cares? We don't, and it's all part and parcel of their envy. Just because we're older with more responsibly doesn't mean we can't cut loose and enjoy ourselves. Especially since the group of friends, who are fortunate to have yours truly for company, and myself rarely get together.. and these are people I've known for over 8 years. They're simply freaking amazing, and no matter how long we go in-between conversations and seeing one another.. we're all able to pick up right where we left off. That's friendship.


Now, encase any of you are actually wondering about what I mean when I say camping, allow me to clarify;

• Tents - Will be slept in, not an RV or other cop-out device!
• Air Mattresses - Are forbidden on the premises! If you fail to wake up with a sore back from sleeping on either a rock, stick or uneven ground; you aren't camping right and will be evicted.
• Food - Should be properly stored in coolers or nearby cars; not be left in tents over night. For when the desire of warm food arises, it shall be cooked on the open fire pit; no exceptions.
• Alcohol - When not being consumed should be cuddled; show it that you're thankful for it's powers.
• Wildlife - Shall be respected and not terrorized or fed near the camp area. I swear to god if someone feeds raccoons by my tent one more bloody time....!!!!
• Washrooms - You either walk to an outhouse or if you really need to go (or are male) will do so away from our camp grounds. Take that shit somewhere else.

Got it? Seriously, I refuse to be woken up by someone thinking there's a bear outside our tent again; especially when it's just raccoons getting into a bag of sugar left out by some dumb asses. It was 3am and no one got back to sleep in that tent, dammit! 


Alas, I'm getting sleepy and have errands (definitely not scheme related) to run later this morning; Nap time for me. 


The next episode of sarcasm  (and undoubtedly the tale of my glory) will air on May 28th! 

The Women's Restroom

Ever wonder why the Woman's restroom always seems to have an "impending line of doom!" when compared to the Men's? That's because it is an impending line of doom sweetie; someone of your sex has probably stepped on one or more females freshly pedicured toes too many times, the poor bastard.

Yeah, it's something like that.

If you haven't noticed, ladies seem to venture to public restroom together like dudes do the beer store, or something... Now before you go thinking it's some strange habit - it's not; it's calculated and odds are, it's for an offensive move of some sort. Yep, that's the big secret of why ladies venture to the woman's restroom two by two; Plotting. Ironic isn't it? I mean.. you should have clued in sooner. Think about it guys, what is one thing you complain that we women do too much? If you guessed "Over thinking everything!", in this rare occurrence you are correct! Congrats, for not fucking that one up. Give yourself a manly pat on the back, bro!

From re-applying make-up; gushing over the hotties who have our ovaries in overdrive; complementing another ladies accessory; lending out a tampon; to downright bitching - The Woman's restroom should really just have lounge chairs put in to every single one of them. 

I can't believe I just ranted about the restroom... Oh well, that got some boredom out! Tune in on the 24th for the next update. That is, unless I get bored again. 

Happy May24 Canada!

So this one time, I had a super cool idea for a blog post... but then I thought "Eh, Screw it!" and decided to give you this lump of randomness instead. Deal with it.


Now I wouldn't say I'm hungover however, I'm definitely in that state where you have the inkling of a headache but are unsure whether or not it was caused by; A) Last night's alcohol intake or B) Sleeping like a hibernating grizzly bear in the mountains all day. I mean, how am I suppose to decipher these mixed signals brain.. really come on now, cut me some bloody slack!

because taking out those encyclopedias were just
too much of a damn hassle.

Encase you are unaware this weekend is the long celebration weekend of May24 in Canada. To tell you the truth, in all my years I've never really paid attention to what the May24 weekend was for.. I just considered it a drinking holiday - like everyone else. So, to fix this little blunder which was undoubtedly caused by the school system I decided to google it; you like anyone else would have probably done long before now. Guess who now feels like a complete idiot for not knowing sooner? Yeah, this girl! Apparently, the May24 weekend is a celebration held on the last Monday before May 25th in honour of Queen Victoria's birthday. Let me be the first non-intoxicated person of my generation to wish her grace a happy 193rd birthday! The party's been great thus far, thanks!

Like the proper (and now slightly more educated) Canadian I am, I've been celebrating this weekend. No, not by camping like most.. that'll be next weekend when the alcohol ban has been lifted. Instead, I started off with Sex Toy Bingo, downtown on Friday night with a couple of my best girls. If you have little shame in participating in things like; Dick Toss, Moan Off's and Sex Position Charades for tie breakers - it's definitely a place where you would flourish. Not only is it entertaining, but all proceeds go to various charities. That's right, you too can win dildos for a good cause; all while sipping on a Porn Star and watching a male pole dancing show.. I love my life. Now to keep things going, last night I joined some friends down at a local watering hole for some good conversation and dancing. Not gonna lie, I had a blast. Especially while walking (never stumbling) through the park at 2am and finding a couple Frisbee's. Finding those probably made my weekend to be honest... hey, shuddup! No judgemental breakfast clubs allowed here!

So yeah, that's been my weekend so far... and it pretty much makes me sound like an alcoholic. I promise I'm not one tho. Alcohol just likes me. 

Tune in for your next dose of sarcasm; airing May 24th!

This one's for the Mothers!

So... Today was Mother's Day; Hands up if your Mama still loves you - Claims that you were switched at the hospital, but still loves you!

I love my mother, but you know what - that woman is crazy. I mean no disrespect when saying this either; I just mean that if that woman could raise this *points to self* and still function somewhat "normally" in society, she's going to have a few screws loose - she just hides it well. Hell, I'm sure my Mom would be the first to admit it too! Not only did my Mother raise this bundle of sarcasm, but she also raised  my 3 older (not nearly as cool) siblings. Hey, sometimes you gotta have a few prototypes to experiment with first right?

In all seriousness though, I'd be lost without my Mother and admit it - you'd be equally lost without yours as well. Think about it, your mother pretty much know's everything about you! From the time you broke free from doing hard time in the womb; You've been front and centre to 90% of her daily thoughts. The other 10% probably including things long past like;

Truth, at it's finest.

• A Social Life - Excluding children, no matter the age category. Oh for the days when puke wasn't an expected ritual of your gatherings; just an unfortunate and later hilarious happening.
• Food - How the Mother's heart longs to eat a meal still hot and not reheated.
• Date Nights - Enough said, let's not dwell on that part *shudders*
• Alcohol - For those days where she really doesn't feel like dealing with your stupid ass. Don't worry, she'll get you back.
• Escape - Don't fault them, everyone wants to run away at some point or another - why should your Mom be different? Looking back you know exactly why she would have ran too. 
• SLEEP - This is probably a major one, especially for when you were between the ages of 0-16. You were most likely a little shit head. 

Again, these are just my inexperienced theories on the Mother's Mind. It's a complex thing that I have no hopes at attempting to decipher until when and if I ever have children of my own. Hurrah for keeping my "sanity" a little longer! However, I am certain of one thing; None of our Mom's had a clue about what they were getting themselves into at first; and how much they would grow to love us - the instant they knew we were around. Some had the support of our fathers, or other family. Others, and what seem like most these days (have) had to take a stab at the dark at parenthood and go it alone; hoping for the best.

Fortunately, there are more resources out there these days to help assist soon-to-be Mothers with no one else to turn to for guidance. Unfortunately - a majority of these resources, or shelters are terribly overcrowded and under funded. Which really is a terrible shame in the society we've apparently "developed into" over the years.. something about being a First World Country or something like that. Seriously, it's a bunch of crap whichever way you spew it.

Yeah, my country is better off than most and I respect that; what I don't respect on how it seems to be taking multiple steps backward as of late. It's like a really odd game of hopscotch. Look, the fact of the matter is that a lot of Women's shelters, or programs for that matter are being shoved onto the cutting board faster than the government can chop. It's a shame.

ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Take my home city for example; At the end of the month it's highly likely that the best place for pregnant teens to turn to, Bethesda Centre, will be shut down. Government funding has been denied and in order for them to stay open the women running the facility have to come up with 3 years worth of "rent" by the end of May. Did I mention that 3 years worth of rent is roughly 1.5 Million Dollars? Pretty much an unattainable goal; especially when factoring in that the world recession still hitting hard and the home city rep'n one of the highest rates of unemployment in the province. Luckily, I do bring some good news on what seems to have turned into a depressing Mothers Day Blog...

I'm a far cry from being his number one fan, but I like giving credit where it's due and Justin Bieber gained a lot of my respect this weekend. He's stepping in, sort of in a way, to give back to an organisation that gave to his mother when he was a newborn baby. Also known as the Bethesda Centre, Yes the one and the same I mentioned above. He'll be donating a portion of the proceeds from this new song that was released this weekend on Itunes; Turn To You - Justin Bieber. That's pretty cool in my eyes, even if it is Bieber's music.

I'll admit to actually buying the track, hey - shuddup, the proceeds go to good cause and it's Mother's Day Weekend. All Mother's deserve to be celebrated, and not just on the their day of recognition. Every day. Those women go to bat for us kids long before we realise it and long after we believe they've stopped. Why not try to take a bit of the strain (and therefore the "crazy") off them for a bit? Especially when we're talking about young, inexperienced, teenage mothers. Each mother and child for that matter, deserve the best chance they have and for some Bethesda Centre in London, Ontario - is that chance. Not only to to do right by their child, but by themselves.

Click Learn More, for more information regarding the campaign to keep the doors open at Bethesda Centre.

If you're interested in donating; Click Here OR Here, whichever floats your boat, any and all donations are sincerely appreciated.

A Justin Bieber fan? Click Mother's Day Dedication for his new single - Turn To You.

Broke like the rest of us? Simply SHARE this page.

Let's help be the support for our support system. Happy belated Mother's Day!

You're irregular form of Sarcasm will return later this week! Don't forget to Subscribe and check me out on Twitter ;)

Where'd the spark go?

If there is one thing I can't stand about the world today; well it'd be the fact that there's more than one thing.

I grew up with a blunt understanding that the world was not perfect and to understand that everyone is fighting some sort of battle.What irritates me is how those personal battles, are now being posted on numerous places of Social Media. It's almost as if being content with your life is too much to ask for these days. Maybe I was just oblivious as a child (which is a high possibility, actually I'd bet on it) but I can't help feeling as if miserable is the new black.

Think about it for a second; when was the last time you told someone that you were happy to see them and actually meant it? Or even woke up with an excitement to face the day? It's probably been awhile and to be honest it's things like that which terrify me. Just because we grow older doesn't mean we should lose the 'spark' we all had as children. If anything that 'spark' should just continue to grow.

When we were younger we thought we had all the time in the world, and now just because we've experienced how fast time really does fly by; we put an unimaginable amount of pressure on our dreams. This pressure is not only making us the miserable lumps of adult we all swore never to be, but also it's clouding our judgement in how we deal with other things. From people to the environment and especially with ourselves; we're fucking up big time. Since everyone is now racing through life (I got to have this or that!) we're no longer looking out for everyone; just number one.

I don't know about you but I can pretty much hear my kindergarten teacher giving me a stern lecture about sharing and playing nice with the other kids. Remember, just because most of us can now reach the cookie jar with ease - doesn't mean we should take all the cookies there. Especially if there's a little kid around; you know that they're hatching a full proof plan to get one of those cookies.

Life isn't as complicated as we think; the fact the we're thinking so much on it, now that's the issue. It's all about perspective. Negative thoughts lead to negative outcomes. So plaster a smile on your face and channel that little kid who thought they could take on the world. Because believe it or not, they did, and they can do it again. Just kick that dark cloud looming over you to the curb and follow your heart; it might not lead you in the direction you're hoping right away but that's part of the fun which is life. Also, trust your gut, it's there for a reason.

If you feel lost, think back to the basic lessons your learnt as a child, and that's that you can do whatever you want, if you just set your mind to it. You've still had your spark this whole time; Don't be afraid to be that oblivious rose coloured glasses kid laughing at the simplest of things - it's who you still are anyway.

The 4th is strong in this one!

"May the 4th be with you! Omgz I love Star Trek." Bitch please; that is not a Star Trek reference (mind you congrats on getting the 'Star' part correct! Here's a bump-it.) and your attempt to Nerd-off in order to impress your single guy friends has been a complete failure. Not only that but I hate you.

One thing I absolutely cannot stand about women is when they go parading about acting like the have "knowledge of" or are "Tots a fan of" a fandom (or anything for that matter) in order to attract guys. If you haven't guessed already today May 4th, is a Star Wars "holiday" (Yes, I said holiday!) created for fans to celebrate the culture and overall awesomeness that is Star Wars. Now usually fake fans (male or female) put a smile on my face as I either laugh or destroy them 12 times in my mind. But since everyone on facebook and twitter will be posting "May the 4th be with you." statuses I thought I'd bring a couple things to light.

Move over Padme; you're in the way!

Most of the people who post this have probably never watched Star Wars more than once in their lives. Not only that, they probably love the prequel (Episodes 1-3) more than the original 1977 Star Wars franchise (Episodes 4-6). Now, I'll give the prequel a break on one thing and one thing only and that's the fact that a younger me had a huge crush on Hayden Christensen A.K.A Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader. He's just nice to look at, leave me alone!

Another thing that most people posting this probably don't know is that Star Wars was originally a book series. Now I know I went and blew your mind and are probably thinking me a liar.. well I'm not so suck it up. Plus I challenge people to post as many of the non main characters names - without wikipedia - in the comment section below; and hey while you're at it say a bit about your favourite character or what you enjoy most about Star Wars.

Not only are the majority of these status "whores" (again, male or female) reposting the same thing, but they don't even try to mix it up with any other lines (look at title for example). They're simply copying and pasting or re tweeting the same thing with no fan fire behind them. A shame that should not be acceptable on a fandom holiday. I mean, it's a day to celebrate the mutual love people have for a book/movie franchise that brought them joy, from ages 1-110; people love Star Wars.

It's Darth Vader and all you've done is annoy and bring
shame to Star Wars. Please, go away..

I don't mean to sound hateful or holier than thou; because I'm not. I know I'm not the biggest fan of Star Wars, but at least I know the basis and enjoy it. I mean, there's plenty of Star Wars knowledge I've probably forgotten over the years or simply haven't bothered to look up. However you have to look at the interest someone actually takes in something (be it a fandom, band, type of food, whatever!) and be able to know fake interest from real. It's just like making friends people. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that people have a need to fit in and when a status involving something like Star Wars goes viral, you automatically click the re tweet button. Star Wars is that much of a pop culture icon. I get it.

What I guess I'm trying to get at is do it for the right reasons. If the tweet or facebook status reminded you of something you once loved and forgot about? Cool! Well welcome back to the cool kids table. However if you did it so you don't feel socially outcast or in an attempt to get that cute hipster who claims to love Star Wars to notice you? Wrong reasons, and you should really take sometime to mull over that "Thinking for yourself" thing propaganda tells you not to do. Because let's be honest, if the boy wasn't interested before it's highly unlikely that your new found love for Star Wars will change his mind.

Anyway, I'm going to finish setting up my VCR player and start my Star Wars marathon. Later losers! <3