Activation of Procrastination!

I would have updated sooner but procrastination got the better of me..

Yeah, it's something like that.

Story of my life. Now I don't know about you but even when I have set plans to get something done (with the possibility of being productive looming over my head), I find the most mundane things too entertaining to tare myself away from instead. My brain, how you function so! Alas, I have temporarily beaten my nemesis of procrastination to give a little bit of a heads up to you blog readers...

No I have not forgotten or abandoned you, at least not yet.. At least three major posts will be coming your way in the month of August; starting with one I've actually spent more than 20minutes on writing which I will most likely update on the 5th, so long as everything goes to plan.. and let's be honest; with me you never know. So keep a weary eye on the Blog Twitter and check back regularly - you don't want to miss it! Or maybe you do, but hey, you won't know until you read it.. right?

Anyway, I feel the force shifting and Procrastination is on it's way back with a vengeance. Until the 5th, keep it dirty!

But It's Not Even Officially Summer Yet...

"Canada is just like Australia, right?" No Mother Nature, it isn't and I'm very upset that you've decided the pull a 'woman move' and get the weather lost in the wrong continent!

Bravo, and people wonder why us ladies get mocked for getting lost. Anyway I haven't updated in a while so today, whilst melting like the polar ice caps, I decided what the hell and walla - here I am with an update. If you haven't clued in yet, it's a hot one out there today. Currently we're sitting at 32c with a Humidex (what it feels like) of 40c - what the actual fuck?! Yes, I get that I'm located in South Western Ontario, but summer hasn't even officially started yet. Give me a break.

As a born and raised Canadian who has actually lived through winters of -45c and over 3 meters of snow, I don't know how to deal with this change of weather - I'm not built for it. You know when you go camping and roast marshmallows in the fire? Yeah well, I'm the marshmallow and the fire is currently the outside.. well that's how I feel about it anyway. Don't judge me like that, you may or may not know my pain! Either way though, stop it, okay never mind keep going. Really, I just don't want my igloo melting... That's my house man.

*Hint* I'd be the swan in this scenario.

Personally, I believe that the weather should never be this hot unless everyone is equipped with their own pools.. and since the recession is being such a bitch to get out of (think of it like trying to escape the In-Laws place) I don't see that coming anytime soon. Luckily, I just got a gym membership at the local GoodLife here in town and aside from getting fit, they have a pool. Huzzah! So tomorrows plan will be to go to the gym early in the morning and not leave until finally being kicked out of the pool 12 hours later. Seems legit if you ask me. Fool proof even.

Alas, this post must come to an end since my laptop is throwing off heat like a flame thrower on my legs. I refuse to put up with that crap today.

Tune in later this week for a blog post of some randomly important topic at the time. Sarcasm will be included.

The Spider Predicament

You know, I'm a huge fan and all but I swear to god if you don't start keeping your pals outside; I'm burning the place down. Got it Spider-Man?!

They'll be back.. in greater numbers! AHHH

Yep, I'm that wussy you and your buddies make fun of for fleeing a room due to a spider. You know what, you and your buddies can hoot it up because they will get you. Mark my words, spiders are the creepy bastards you least suspect, but then bam! There they are crawling your walls; creepily suspending from the ceiling and just plain and simply showing up where they aren't wanted.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the importance of spiders and the crucial role they play in the environment and all that. However, I believe they would be perfectly capable of doing said job outside. Along with any and all other creepy dwellers. Unless they start paying rent, they can stay the hell outta my apartment, that's just the way I see things. Now some of you may be wondering where this hate for spiders stems from, well allow me to entertain you.

You see dear blog reader, at the age of 6 I had to share a bedroom with my older sister (8 year age difference) and she had a love for spiders. That didn't bother me too much, even though she knew I found them gross... but you know what did? The fact that I found out the hard way that she kept spiders throughout the room we had to share. Guess who woke up in the dead of night getting crawled on by spiders? Yep, this poor unsuspecting (at the time) little girl! Not only did I wake up with spiders all over me; sending me off into a total freak out. No, she also thought to make up all these outrageous (but totally believable at the age of 6!) facts on spiders and Ta-Da! My Arachnophobia was born.

How spiders must view me

Needless to say I demanded my other sister's bedroom and forced the two closer in age to share. Pft, guess who also babied up to the eldest sister before the room switch happened? This girl. Guess who got a rude awakening from our eldest sister? Well, it sure as hell wasn't me. Karma; sometimes you got to take it into your own hands.

Now, if you'll excuse me.. I'm looking for a spider I attacked with a broom about 15minuts ago (Gotta make sure it's dead before I can sleep) while trying not to have a panic attack.

I could not survive Australia...


The next episode of chaos and sarcasm will air at that time the schedule says.. you know the one.

It feels like burning

As a member of the snow white pale community, I gotta tell you; sunburns freaking hurt.


Yeah, yeah, I know - I should have worn sunscreen but you know what, when it's freaking cloudy out one does not suspect to get a sunburn tinted like a fire-truck!. Yes, that's my argument and I'm sticking to it! Call me a baby or an idiot, I really don't care so long as you share some aloe with me. I hate this feeling of being parboiled, dammit!

Not only does the upper part of my body look like some cheap ass version of Neopolitian ice cream (Minus the chocolate.) my subconscious has decided to come up with the oddest things to dream about once I'm finally able to sleep.. even by my standards some of the crap it's concocted has been strange. I mean, who the hell dreams about bed shopping while already cozied up in their shitty ass futon bed? (if you have a futon and think it's great, you're lying to yourself.) Apparently, I do. So I waltzed into the random furniture shop in my dream and guess what the beds were inspired by; no not some sexy fantasy or something from a classic fairytale.. no the beds in my dream were inspired by my favourite childhood cartoons and current favourite T.V shows.

Villain from Redwall; haven't watched you since I was 6..HOW?!

"How would you care to try out our 4 star poster dragonball bed, or perhaps the Simpson's inspired bed? You know, if you go up the Teletoon isle and turn left down the ABC Canada isle right before TVOkids furniture begins you might find something you like." Seriously brain, I know you aren't on any drugs and were completely sober that night.. what gives?! Not only was I bed shopping (I went with the Simpson's inspired bed due to comfort factor by the way) but then you go and put me on a playground where some weird version of grounders meets king of the mountain, is being played against some Redwall mouse/rat hoard; where paint-ball guns were used since obviously some serious shit was going down.

Honestly, if I could record my dreams I would be a freaking millionaire.. no joke. That was just one dream among many and it was pretty mild compared to most, freaking ridiculous, but mild. Anyway, I'm going to go eat my feelings over the recent protest results (how I got said sunburn) and maybe find something to ease this feeling of burning.

Till next time; Don't become a lobster, it sucks.

The Bethesda Centre

So, you mean to tell me you're all about "helping those in need" but then go you off and fuck with an original service, the only one like it offered within all of Southwestern Ontario? Yeah well you know what - fuck you too!

Well now that that's out of my system, if you haven't guessed it yet; I am furious. If you haven't been following me on twitter or checked out my post "This one's for the mothers!"  you might be at a loss as to why; well sit down, shut up and allow me to explain;

Every little bit helps make a difference!

On February 1st, 2012 the Salvation Army announced their plans to shut down the Bethesda Centre located in London, Ontario if the centre was unable to raise a stated amount of money. The Bethesda Centre is an original organization geared to helping Teen Mom's with no where else to go; it offers programs to help these new and expecting mothers to be better able to handle the weight which is Motherhood. It houses 18 of these young ladies and their babies at a time; now tell me, is there anything similar to that in your area? Probably not, and that's what makes me so angry and hurt.

As a resource that has helped countless beginning families since 1955; the Salvation Army, which has sponsored it for years, has been pretty quick to pull the plug on it. From the beginning of February to now, the women working towards saving the Bethesda Centre have raised close to $400,000 CDN, which is about 25% of the impossible goal they were given of $1.5 million. That's not only dedication, but the fact that they've raised so much in so little time tells us that the community cares. On top of that, they've gained the support of the ever popular Justin Bieber, who's own mother gave birth to him while staying at the Bethesda Centre. Rumour's have also circulated that at least one other unnamed celebrity has offered backing as well.

Again, this is called concern and caring; something that people say they do, but don't often show results of. Justin Bieber has demonstrated the results of, by donating the proceeds which he himself would be receiving from his latest single; Mother's Day Dedication - Turn To You which he wrote from his mother. Now, the $400,000 mentioned above would be able to cover costs of the centre for roughly 2 years; thus allowing the proceeds of Bieber's single to make it's way over and make the difference it promises. However, because the money has not been handed over right away, the Salvation Army has denied the extension of the deadline; which depending on when you read this is either tomorrow, or today; May 31st.

One of the questions that should be asked and answered is "Why would such an organization like the Salvation Army turn down the support of a popular celebrity in today's society, and reject the deadline extension when it is of practically zero risk to them?"

This is their chance; let's help them have it!

There isn't a reason or excuse; that's the bottom line and it's disappointing. Mind you, the Salvation Army has argued that it would be "irresponsible" (kind of feels like they're calling the Bethesda Centre "Irresponsible" doesn't it?) to fund this one of a kind resource catering to young (soon-to-be) teenage mothers when the funds could be "better used" elsewhere; like the Centre of Hope, also located in London, Ontario. See, that just irks me. I've recently moved back London and as a seasoned citizen; I'm aware that there are various other outlets to help people in need of Drug and Alcohol rehabilitation. Hell, I lived in the city for the majority of my life and all you see outside of the Centre of Hope is people doing drug deals with no one so much as batting an eye lash.. Now explain to me how that's a better service compared to one which has proven it's ability to make a change? The majority of the women involved in the Save Bethesda campaign are either employee's of the Centre (who also took a pay cut in order to help keep the doors open longer,) or former residents who want to help save a place which once, saved their lives.

Sadly, it seems that apathy (a lack of caring) has made itself known in a worldwide organisation based solely on caring and helping when no one else does. Bethesda Centre for Teen Mom's or The Centre of Hope for Drug and Alcohol rehabilitation; neither is greater than the other or more important. However, look at society, and actually see what is in more need. London has a great number of Teen Mothers who, if Bethesda is closed, will surely be left to fend for themselves; That's what we're subjecting these young girls to, along with their children.

Want to learn more about what makes the Bethesda Centre? Click Here

Help make a change; Donate Here and let's show them that it's never too late to help!

A Justin Bieber Fan? You can help too!

Broke? Share this page and spread the word!

You're regular programmed sarcasm will return shortly..

The Raccoon Apocalypse

I'm fairly certain that I just recovered from a delayed hangover.. wait, is that even possible?

I'm going to go with a "yes" to answer that question, why? Because it's the only explanation I could come up with on short notice, deal with it. Since this weekend was such a blast, it honestly wouldn't even surprise me anyway. The only downer was the flat out neglect a few (ALL) of my friends demonstrated in their lack of cape wear. Hello! It was an excuse to wear a cape!

Anyways; great adventures were had during the camping trip. I mean, how many times do you get to witness a bunch of partially intoxicated "adults" running around with super soaker's defending a campsite from the raccoon apocalypse? Exactly, not often and I gotta be honest with you... the view was freaking hilarious. Never fear for no raccoons were actually harmed during the campsite defence; just left slightly damp. Now, some of you are probably wondering "Why the hell were you guys chasing raccoons with Super Soaker's?" Well, sit back and allow me to explain.

You see, it started the first night when a couple raccoons thought it'd be "cool" to stick their heads into the tent my friend and I were sharing. Needless to say we flailed like a bunch of cowards; hey, it seemed to get them way from our tent at least for the rest of the night. In the morning what do we see just lying on our picnic table, yep one of the Raccoons completely stated and passed out. Have you tried chasing away a tired Raccoon? It's hard work! Anyway, the following night a couple coon's thought they'd decided to try and get in on the party action. Which was fine to begin with, we had dropped some random food on the far side of the site and saw no harm in letting them vacuum it up for us. That was, until they decided to come back with a bunch of their buddies.

Pretty much like this, but with our entire site!

If you've ever been to a party, you probably know that the host more often then not can get irritated when you show up with a bunch of people unexpected; the same idea applies here. Now they were just being greedy little bastard, especially when they tried to get in on the S'mores action. Not cool wildlife, not cool at all. That little overstep prompted some of my buddies to grab the Super Soaker's yours truly had brought (and previously used to wake some of them up with!) in a form of Raccoon Control. You'd have thought from witnessing is that the Raccoons were some sort of international terrorist the way they worked to keep them away.

I seriously wish I had night vision on my camera to have caught all the action. You probably wouldn't even believe me if I told you half of the things that happened this weekend. If that weekend was put up for a reality TV show segment, the viewers would be endless.

Anyway, there's the always fashionably late update. More sarcasm will be coming your way later on in the week.

For update notifications follow the blog on Twitter OR like it on Facebook

This ought to be interesting

Should be in bed getting some beauty sleep, instead I'm up devising multiple schemes for this weekends camping trip - might not be a priority but hey, screw it!


I mean, there are just so many ideas and possibilities to mess with my friends; how am I to narrow down the choices to the most epic? Everything I come up with is epic. Example? My one friend had mentioned earlier in the week how she hated the fact that she was now deemed an "Adult". Apparently the fact that she married just last year dawned on her, anyway, she had mentioned how she missed wearing a cape as a kid since it states and I quote "I'M HERE TO FUCK SHIT UP WHILE ALSO SAVING THE DAY!" So,  guess what rule we implemented for (and by that I mean, I told them) while camping - Yup - Capes must be worn throughout the weekend!

Yeah, it'll be something like that.

If you're camping anywhere in the general area of Canada this weekend, and see a group of 20-something year old's in capes, that would be us! You mad bro? Because you should be, if you aren't well.. you have no soul. Not only will we be the cool people wearing capes throughout the weekend; we'll be the awesome people with alcohol as well! The way that we see it is, why shouldn't we combine the downright badassery (Not an actual word, but oh well!) of our childhoods with the few cool things we've discovered in our short years of Adulthood? 


There is absolutely no reason not to! I mean.. aside from the looks we will undoubtedly get. Ranging from "Wtf?" to "Seriously, WTF?!". But really who cares? We don't, and it's all part and parcel of their envy. Just because we're older with more responsibly doesn't mean we can't cut loose and enjoy ourselves. Especially since the group of friends, who are fortunate to have yours truly for company, and myself rarely get together.. and these are people I've known for over 8 years. They're simply freaking amazing, and no matter how long we go in-between conversations and seeing one another.. we're all able to pick up right where we left off. That's friendship.


Now, encase any of you are actually wondering about what I mean when I say camping, allow me to clarify;

• Tents - Will be slept in, not an RV or other cop-out device!
• Air Mattresses - Are forbidden on the premises! If you fail to wake up with a sore back from sleeping on either a rock, stick or uneven ground; you aren't camping right and will be evicted.
• Food - Should be properly stored in coolers or nearby cars; not be left in tents over night. For when the desire of warm food arises, it shall be cooked on the open fire pit; no exceptions.
• Alcohol - When not being consumed should be cuddled; show it that you're thankful for it's powers.
• Wildlife - Shall be respected and not terrorized or fed near the camp area. I swear to god if someone feeds raccoons by my tent one more bloody time....!!!!
• Washrooms - You either walk to an outhouse or if you really need to go (or are male) will do so away from our camp grounds. Take that shit somewhere else.

Got it? Seriously, I refuse to be woken up by someone thinking there's a bear outside our tent again; especially when it's just raccoons getting into a bag of sugar left out by some dumb asses. It was 3am and no one got back to sleep in that tent, dammit! 


Alas, I'm getting sleepy and have errands (definitely not scheme related) to run later this morning; Nap time for me. 


The next episode of sarcasm  (and undoubtedly the tale of my glory) will air on May 28th!